Gorilla marketing 102: Real advice about publishing!

Hey Writers:
Have you ever gone to a presentation on how to be irresistible to publishers, only to discover it's a major letdown? Or have you ever gone to the library and checked out a book called Get Published Yesterday! or Today's Extreme Guerilla Marketing? Are you on one or more free email newsletters that you got suckered into when you visited sototallypublishedauthor101.com after seeing an ad in Writer's Digest? Why are things always such a disappointment you ask? Well let me show you with my multilevel pyramid point system.

1. Say screw you to how to
Not everybody is writing a how-to book. There are certain people who think everyone who writes is writing some flash in the pan book about how to diet and get a man. These people are always the ones holding those how to become irresistible to a publisher talks, or they write a book sold only on their websites which in turn promise to show you how you too can become an Amazon bestseller by paying 3 easy payments of 59.95. Or you can find out more by signing up for their tele-classes (all for the low price of 499.99), which will show you how to set up a similar email newsletter and convince people you too are an expert on "getting published."
These people never ever mention memoirs, creative non-fiction or god forbid--fiction. Having a book actually worthy of publication scares them. They would rather hide in the corner with their copy of Everything I Needed to Learn in Life I learned from a Scam Website.
The library's guerilla marketing book had several examples of books the authors helped market. None are available currently at the waldenbordersandnoble I work at. They are probably all out of print, because most how-to has a shelf life of 3 months.

Still not convinced?
Think about this: which 19th century book is still widely read: A: Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, or B: How to Keep Your Hoop Skirt Starched by Hattie Hepplesocks?*

*might not have been an actual book.

2. Don't Have A Platform
There are two questions asked at every get published now!--talk. Don't work up a sweat kids, I've got both answers right here! For the low low price of free!

Question A: Are you an expert in your field?

Answer A: The answer to question A is always: Who cares. Even if you work within the publishing industry like myself, it doesn't matter. Honestly what do my shelving, sorting, and alphabetization skills have to do with my brilliant life changing young adult novel? Nothing, that’s what, and something tells me your job at the post office has nothing relating to you epic 3,492 page saga of Gorgondor the Dragon. So don't stress over it. Remember the 2 golden words: who cares, (or if you are English: who bloody cares--just bugger off).

Question B: Why are you the most qualified to write this book?

Answer B: Because it was MY idea, with MY plot, and MY characters. Also I came up with names of the characters like Countessa Veronica Von Durgenstien and Professor Cornelius Snipp.

In other words ask a stupid question...

3. Know your competition.

Now before I got my job at Bretanos, Daltons and Nobles, I tried researching my competition. I asked the clerk where their section on books about cynical teenagers who unravel a big mystery but don't feel they fit in because they like vintage clothes and oldies, but the employee just muttered something about being late to lunch and quickly walked off. Later I decided that my book was young adult because my character is 17 years old.

Just finish writing your book and once it's done you will probably figure out its genre. If not, just guess and put that into your query letter, if it's wrong your agent or editor will clue you in later. I love your book idea about an outlaw biker gang, who discovers Buddhism while fighting an unhappy cluster of komodo dragons, but are you really sure it belongs in childcare?

4. In conclusion

OK so now you are ready to go out there and get published. Or maybe not, but at least you didn't pay 400 bucks for a tele-class. Just remember: Playstations are awesome, bad sequels to direct to video horror movies starring the Olsen twins' non twin sister are always a good time, and listening to the new Death Cab is enjoyable even though they totally sold out by going to a major label, but sometimes it's fun to do something different like reading a book. Don't spend your 24.95 on some help thing like He's So Not Into Your Bad Self, it's basically common sense with extra gloss. (Check it out at the library or wait 2 months and buy it at the library book sale for a quarter.) Instead check out some fiction, get caught up in the story and let the good people of Random House know you want to see more books published. Especially those books titled: Rock and Roll in Locker Seventeen by Shannon Brown.

This article is by Shannon Brown copyright 2007. See the rest of my website here.